I can’t believe I am here already… staring down another first birthday.
It’s been emotional. Sitting down to write about the joy that surrounds such a huge milestone, I feel overcome by emotion – of all kinds. Emotions that I cannot ignore as I think about the last 21 months and the sadness that came before that. Loosing our twins, exactly two years ago today… that late miscarriage changed me. I knew loss, fear, and devastating heartbreak like never before. I was scared that if we ever tried again it might end with the same result. I wanted so badly for Ava to have a sibling, a best friend. I wanted her to have someone who she could grow with and share in her parents love and protection. I worried that Myra wouldn’t come. That worry lasted long (too long) into carrying her, as most days I gave into fear of loss again. I put on a strong exterior but internally -while trusting God- my fear was too real.
We got pregnant so fast after my D+C procedure, I don’t know that I was able to truly mourn the loss. I feel guilty even writing that, knowing so many amazing, wonderful, and strong women who struggle with infertility and losses of their own. But it was my reality. And that reality came with so many emotions. (Plus crazy pregnancy hormones… so I will just let your imaginations go to work on what a mess I was throughout another physically difficult pregnancy. Shout out to all of my other SPD mamas out there… you are stronger than you know. That excruciating pain = worth it.)
I actually stated early laboring on this exact day, July 25th, one year ago. The one year anniversary of losing our baby boys. I couldn’t believe the timing.
Two days later, Myra was in our arms… meeting her big sister.
I will never, absolutely never, forget being in that moment… watching them meet and hearing Ava’s high pitched voice say how cute her baby sister was. This was meant to be. There was so much happiness the day she arrived. The past year has been filled with more happiness than I feel like I deserve most days.
But damn if there aren’t moments that I get overwhelmed and sad about our boys that we never get to hold. I think of them daily and will forever love the reminder tattooed on my left wrist. I will never not miss them and wonder what our lives would have looked like if they were with us. But I know that God gave us Myra and I never want to know a life without her. My family is everything to me and she, in so many ways, makes it feel more complete.
So here we are… another first birthday. Our sweet and strong-willed girl is racing farther and farther from being my baby. She’s turning one in two short days. I will no doubt cry my eyes out as I rock her to sleep the night before. The same way that I did with her big sister. Because it’s been the most glorious, exhausting, gone-in-the-blink-of-an-eye year. I will hold her a little longer than normal and she will wake up my little one year old.
They say that they grow up too fast and you don’t get it until these milestone punch you in the gut and start passing by, one by one. So we will celebrate and love on our Miss Myra Jane, just like we do everyday, and thank God that she’s ours.
“Sto lat” my baby girl. Mama loves you like you will never know. I cannot get over how happy you and that big sister of yours make me and your daddy. xo.